Another one of these

Ugh, I hate to do this but I can’t resist it.

Unfortunately, in the past few days, life has taken a major spin – making it difficult to take the mindset to so faithfully blog. But alas, I am here, present and ready to throw another one at you – yes, another one – a dare I say it, cliche.

In the past week, I have attended a few interviews for positions that have been okay, others were desired and some not so much. Either way, it is an experience and therefore important to experience and further dissect such matters.

I was noticing as of late that after every interview, I would turn very quickly on myself – almost instantaneously. It was so fast that before leaving the room and leaving the door, this softer side of me was getting ready to run under the bed and hide from the ‘critic’ Ally.   This is something that I’ve been simply used to – very polar, yes, but critic Ally has been running her course until…

Yesterday, I went for a very high profile interview that would have resulted in a very secure position, good pay, all the trims and fittings. Spending the day preparing and going along with the usual ongoings, (I even bought a hair drier to properly dry my hair – I’m a fan of the air dry), I felt strong, positive, confident.  However, this would turn very quickly – very very very quickly.

The interview was not good. It was awkward, uncomfortable, strange, and unsettling. As I left (which was all I could think about), I got to the elevator, with nowhere to run.  Strangely enough, with no one to run to, I was facing myself in the elevator’s mirror.  I walked out not knowing what to do, what to think, dizzy, nauseaus, and emotional, I sat as my feet hurt from the shoes.

I don’t know how to explain it, but something within myself popped out and dragged me home. I didn’t want to walk but this softer side of me somehow got me home and from there I took care of myself. For once, I wasn’t running under the bed and fearing my Critic of accusing me of screwing up an opportunity. Instead, I was siding with me, not the multi-million dollar CEO who didn’t like me.

You are probably reading it wondering just why the heck I am even writing this – but have you ever asked yourself just how many times do you love yourself?  comfort yourself? walk yourself home?  The critic was nowhere in site as we went home and laid on my futon. Slowly I allowed myself to eat something and spent the rest of the night with me and only me.

Be good to yourself is what I am saying. 

 

thank YOU.

I just wanted to reach out and say thank you to my readers and people who have responded to my article on Tiny Buddha:

 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/strength-in-times-of-doubt-11-tips-for-tough-times/

Really, I write for myself, but I also write for you.  There are no rules or pre-existing templates as to what I choose to write or discuss but truly, I feel increasingly motivated hearing from you – which is why I express my gratitude to you.

I look forward to continuing this journey and open my ideas and mind to what you have to bring.

 

BE WELL.

Apologies

I just want to apologize for the lack of posting at the blog.
This was the result of major technical difficulties but also personal difficulties as I have been struggling to overcome some major barriers at this time. (the economy may or may not have something to do with it…)
However, with that being said, I will continue writing about who knows what (now that I have memorized the password).

On a side note (which I will try to make brief), I read this great article : http://tinybuddha.com/blog/create-a-positive-space-and-break-the-cycle-of-negativity/

I thought quite a bit about this and how I’m very much in this similar situation – my script is the same thing when I stand back from it and I use things such as ‘uncertainty’ ‘no money’ and ‘exclusion’ as reasons for my behaviour, sulkiness, anger, and general depression. I have been trying to come to terms with this chaos and shift in lifestyle (student for 8 years to unemployment) and it’s not been easy. This chaos, at times, feels like it has me by the collar every day, resulting in bodily aches and pains. Truth be told,  I have been punishing myself.

I am not saying that it will stop immediately, but there are signs it has to stop, especially when no one else can help me.  This is a wall that I frequent often.  I feel terribly guilty about my demeanor and already regret it (even though I am not where I want to be in life).  As the seasons change, I see that there is room for change, even though it might not be tangible. Strife between parties dissipates, we find other endeavors (or rather endeavors find us) and quite simply put: it blows over.

Have patience.

You don’t have to accomplish your life’s goals in one day.

TGIF

As I woke up this morning and went for my coffee, I felt this enormous weight off my shoulders. I’m still not entirely sure what that is – likely because it’s Friday.  I almost had this feeling that this week would be a bit of a go and I’m happy it’s over. Who knows what this weekend will bring but must remain hopeful.

It’s amazing that a lot of the time, you don’t even know the weight you are carrying until it is there and out on the table. I think the key thing is to try and deal with it safely.  As crappy as this week may have been, I’m happy I was sober to deal with it, carry the weight because it didn’t last.

Dear Uncertainty, it’s Ally asking for a break

In the past few months, uncertainty and general fear about the future has plagued my daily life. Struggling to find solid employment but also fulfill my dreams is not within reach. Uncertainty, for the lack of a better word, has burrowed its way deep inside of me and I’m trying very hard to purge it. Panic ensues.

A resource that has and occasionally comes to my assistance is the book, Feeling Good by David D. Burns.
Suggested to me by counsellors, friends, and psychologists, it indeed helps with critically analyzing these daunting thoughts which can ultimately pull you down to the ground.  Truthfully, it has helped with identifying and objectifying negative thoughts. In doing so, I give myself a time limit when I am allowed to think about such things.

I would like to highlight that I’m not ‘perfect’ and I’m not there yet. I have waves of positivity and equally, waves of negativity. These are the things that I am learning:

1. This will pass – don’t just say it, trust it. It will. This is just discomfort and it won’t last forever. In those dark moments, just remind yourself objectively what it is — a dark moment.  Unemployment is not forever – even though it might seem like it.

2. This is not a bad thing. A few months ago when I was just new to the unemployment force and did it ever hit me. However, I had to face this at some point. I wasn’t going to stay in school forever and that period when I am not working, looking for a fulfilling job was going to come. Whatever struggle you are facing, your doing it now and it’s better facing it than not facing it.

3. Stop the comparison – we are all the same.  It’s actually very funny that I write this now as this is probably one of my sorest spots. I am convinced that everyone is better off than me. Every where I go, I see people and I automatically assume that they are more successful, employed and therefore much happier than I am. The reality: You simply do not know the lives of others and just because someone may appear to be ‘happy’ or dressed a certain way does not mean they are. However, I realize that you cannot wipe these feelings of inadequacy away just like that. So what am I doing?  Just what I said before: identifying when I begin to compare and objectify this negative comparison.

4. Find the warrior. Within us all, there lies this fighter that resists this negativity associated with uncertainty. This is the part inside of us that wants to change, browses through the self-help section in bookstores and reads blogs that can in one way or another inform us of ways to quash this contagious negativity.  I have started to connect more with this warrior by letting it remind the negativity that its time is up. I give the warrior permission to defend me when the negativity is just too strong. I think you can too.

 

I do not know the answers for solving persistent negativity and uncertainty, but these are things that I am using to cope. I am not immune but these approaches are better than nothing.

 

Athena, Gustav Klimt

App of Week: Songza

Songza is wowza (at least for me).

I thoroughly recommend downloading this app for your mobile device. It’s fantastic and has that music mind and flavour for diverse music when you simply don’t have time to think about what music you want.

Just search “Songza” in Apps  or (www.songza.com) and you will find hours of great music plus this little guy.

 

As I clutch my coffee…I salute thee

If there is one thing that I will likely grasp on to for my entire life it will be a hot beverage.  The hot beverage has played a magnificent role in my successes and in general, getting my day started — the greatest success of all.

Throughout my teenage life (when such habits began) my mother would regularly chastise me about why I would spend my money on coffee and tea. Now, she did and does have a point.  However, she doesn’t drink these items and always loathed hot drinks. Even when I am with friends these days, we like coffee but I could always go for another when they joke about it.

After thinking about this more deeply some interesting things came about in my head – possibly the realization that coffee doesn’t just get my day going, but it gets my life going.  It has been with me in the more stressful moments, my research, my work, loneliness, and the list could go on. In abrupt periods of emotional turmoil, fear, and depression, it is there — quite the companion.  But why?

To simply put it: It forces me to depend on myself, live with myself, and be with myself when I really don’t want to be. Rather than running away, shooting up a drug, smoking a joint, or drowning fears out in an open bottle, sitting with the heat in my hand makes me present. I don’t turn to coffee to escape, I use it to stay here.  I wonder if I am the only one?

With regards to money and spending habits, yes, I do concoct my own caffeinated beverages in my place of living, but the act of going, getting out of my apartment and just sitting with a coffee and this laptop is really all I need in life.  It is a $1.60 that I am willing to pay for this set-up.

This is just my argument for drinking coffee.  As any tacky corporate coffee commercial would argue: “It goes beyond the cup”

It’s okay, I think.

As you can see, I have changed the general ‘theme’ of this blog. I’m not exactly a ‘balloon’ person so who knows how this shall fly. Oh well.

So this morning was strange in that I woke up to a storm and some rain. There are a million things to do – well not ‘real’ things per say but really just trying to organize the ‘future’ in one way or another, especially this being the first September that I am not a ‘student.’   I feel as though I am swimming in waters that I never dared to swim.

Oh and this is what I found at the MET this weekend…

(Ellie Scull 36 times, Andy Warhol)

To block or not?

As I sat down this morning, eager to write ‘something,’ this block came before me but I still insisted on sitting here to write it because I figured the words would find their way.

I used to have incredible resentment toward my writer’s block – general loathing, if you will. Blessed with it since Grade 10, it has been the monkey on my shoulders and the voice of utter intimidation. But – its taught me a lot. In fact, I don’t think Writer’s Block is strictly reserved to writing – we all have these ‘blocks.’ Whether its finding the right job, locating your passion, or being who you want to be, there will be those blocks – but what do you do? Let it continue to blocking or work through it?

As evidenced by my post today, I attempted to face it right there, right then. I am choosing not to judge what came of it (this could be a lousy post after all) and that is okay! Our imaginations are lively things and will dramatize those fearful job interviews, social events, or loneliness in any way it can.   My fear that you will hate this post and never read my blog again is present but its not stopping me.

Face the fight and its okay that its not perfect –  you faced it and that is what matters.

 

(and attached is a picture of my cat, Sita, in a meme of some sort via some app that makes postcards)

Image